The NICU rollercoaster has opened for business

So the ride has begun! As I said in the last post, Lili has been having bradys. Well, after the other day when she had that long one when I was holding her, they decided that evening to suction her nose after she had another one. They apparently got quite a lot of boogies out and she didn't have any bradys for about a 12 hour stretch. When she did have one it wasn't very long and she recovered on her own. I was SO happy and felt much more relieved.....thought maybe she was having them because of congestion. When I went to see them yesterday both girls were really alert and I got to breastfeed and follow up with a bottle feed with each of them. It was a great visit! When I called this morning she had only had 1 last night and it was another quick one that she recovered from on her own....so again, very relieved!
Louis and I went to see them today. While I was holding Lili she decided to have 4 bradys in an hour!!! She recovered on her own for 3 of them, but needed a little light stimulation for the other one. I sat there crying for the majority of our visit. It's SO scary to be holding your little baby and her heart rate drops to an alarming rate. I feel SO panicked when it happens and it scares me to hold her because I am afraid that if she were to have a terrible one I wouldn't know what to do. I know the nursing staff is there to do what they need to do....but I am her mommy and I should be able to protect her and help her when she needs it. And then I have terrible feelings of guilt because I now have this fear of holding her and I know she needs to be held and loved by me. I don't want to fear going to see my babies because of this and I know it's something I need to get over. I think my hormones are all over the board too which I know isn't helping the situation.
Charli also had one while Louis was holding her. Hers only dropped for literally a second so I don't know if that is truly counted as one. The nurses try to comfort me and have said that even term babies have bradys but because they aren't monitored it is never known....but again, that still doesn't comfort me.
I just called to check on them and the nurse tonight seems great. Lili did have another brady but it was another short one that she recovered on her own. I told the nurse about this afternoon and my new fear of holding my own child and she made a few suggestions. She said to maybe limit the time I am holding her because she could be getting over stimulated and that is her body's way of telling me she needs to go back and lay down. She also said that a lot of the time it is positional and to be sure she has a clear airway while I am holding her. She assured me that this is very normal, not a concern, and something she should grow out of in the next 2-3 weeks. She said she knows it's hard for parents to handle and told me to call in the middle of the night if I am up and worried. I really like this nurse...and maybe that was part of my issue today, I didn't feel 100% comfortable with the nurse. She didn't seem as caring as the other nurses I have met and wasn't very informative.....so maybe I can request not to have her again. I will look into that.
So anyhow, I knew this next chapter of our journey with our girls wasn't going to be easy but I guess because they moved to the grad NICU so quickly and everyone was so impressed with how well they were doing, I got excited and expected them to be home sooner than I think they will...or at least Liliana will. Hopefully we will be on the uphill slope of this ride again and it will level out and we can get off.....but I have a feeling we might have a few dips before that happens. I will keep you posted. Thanks for your continued prayers.